Motherhood mental toughness: a framework to help the transition to motherhood

What are the building blocks of your personal identity? Personality, family, work, hobbies, friends; does that sound about right? What happens if all of those significantly change overnight? That’s what happens with motherhood, and it made me lose my identity!

It was 6.30am on a cold and wet morning one October. I remember it clear as crystal. I was lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling sobbing. I was lost, broken and burnt-out. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I literally couldn’t physically move from my bed I was that exhausted. There was no way I was getting in to work. I just could not continue like this anymore.

This had taken me completely by surprise. I knew I had not been happy; but hadn’t realised how much I had consistently pushed myself beyond my limits for such a sustained period of time.

You see, I kept going through the 7 hours of sleep per week (yes you read that right, per week), whilst working 16 hour days. I kept going through all the unrealistic expectations set by both myself and others. I kept going because I thought I had to. I thought I could (and should) deliver everything I used to before I had my son, as well as all the new extensive duties of motherhood.

This is not uncommon. The average working week of a mother is 98 hours, that’s the equivalent of 2.5 full time jobs*! Is it any wonder we’re burning out? In addition, I did a survey of over 180 working mums', here’s what I found:

These statistics echo those I’ve seen in international studies, most of them are exactly the same or within 5%. I’m sure you’ll agree, this makes for depressing reading! It points to the fact that whilst society has moved forward in their thinking around mums' being able to work, there is still a way to go in resetting realistic expectations.

We are now expected to be both a professional and a full-time mum, hence the 2.5 full time jobs, but this is not realistic and something has to flex somewhere. Our era of mums has borne the brunt of trying to flounder our way through this massive transition to motherhood, whilst trying to set new realistic boundaries around what one human being can and cannot achieve.

The question is, how does all this additional juggling of responsibilities lead to mothers (including myself) losing their identity? What no one tells you about motherhood, is about the scale of the transition. Alexandra Sacks, a psychiatrist, delivered a wonderful TED talk on this, in which she named this transition ‘Matrescence – the birth of a mother’. She explains:

“The birth of a mother involves similar hormonal and identity transitions to adolescence, and yet this natural process is often silenced by shame or misdiagnosed as postnatal depression.”

She talks of the ‘pull’ and ‘push’ of motherhood. In one sense, motherhood really is all they say. The unparalleled sense of love for this utterly dependent being. The wonder of all their firsts. The laughter they bring with their funny ways, smiles and constant injection of fun to your life. The pride as they grow in to this beautiful, kind, funny and charismatic being. Not to mention your innate need to always be with them – this is the ‘pull’.

Whilst in the other sense, you crave for the freedom you once had, the old carefree you who made decisions to see your friends, go to the gym, go on a walk without putting a ‘lense’ on that says: “I can’t do that because I’m a mum”.  This is the ‘push’.

Every mother goes through this conflict and transition, it is totally normal. Whilst this maybe normal, because it isn’t spoken about, no one gives you a framework on how to deal with it, thus ensuring your sanity and happiness stay intact! From my own experiences I see clearly now that the loss of identity is as a result of these factors:​

Round and round, down and down you may go, until you hit the bottom of the spiral. What I’ve discovered is just as you can go down the spiral, you can go back up. You see Control, Confidence, Challenge and Commitment, make up the 4Cs of the mental toughness framework from AQR.  This is used in a psychometric measure (a test); a simple but scientific way of measuring the way we think, which is internationally recognised.

You can rebuild motherhood mental toughness using 8 key steps linking to the 4Cs framework. I’ve created a series of key activities and goals helping mothers to slowly begin challenging themselves again, so you feel able to restart committing to goals, leading to confidence being rebuilt, allowing you to be in a place to tackle the biggest issues you’re faced with: life control.

That means resetting a range of realistic expectations at home, work, as a mother and for yourself. Being able to have difficult conversations in those areas to regain that life control. Then you’re able to feel like you’re winning at being a mum and a professional.

So, whilst transitioning to motherhood can be the biggest challenge of your life. You may lose an identity, but you gain a new enriched and merged identity that balances between the old and new you.

You gain a new kind of confidence, have new goals, new challenges to overcome, find a new way of controlling and setting realistic expectations. You adopt new hobbies and friends, and a new lease of life injected by the wonderful, crazy and fun loving being that is your child. You can be empowered, you can win at motherhood and there is a simple framework for redressing that balance.

If you’re interested in hearing more about mental toughness in general or the framework I’ve created for mums'. Or if you’re feeling broken, burnt-out or like you’ve lost your identity, as I did. I want you to know, you can call on me for support any time.

* This stat is taken from Welch’s 2017 study of 2,000 mums