Letter to the mum of a strong willed, spirited child!

Dear Mama of a strong-willed, spirited child,

It’s been a hard day hasn’t it? I know, I see you. You’re thankful to have made it through to bedtime, to find some respite now they’re asleep.

Let’s face it – today, yesterday, hell – most days, feel like a battle. You’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, and your nerves are always on edge.

You don’t know why everything feels like a battle, like your child doesn’t hear you, why you feel like you’re not a good enough mum – but it’s where you are right now. You’d like to not have to fight for what you need, just for one day. I get it, I know!

You look at other parents, with their easy-going kids and long for that. You wonder what you’re doing wrong, and you know they’re judging you for your highly spirited, non-conformist child.

You’re feeling exhausted, running on fumes, exasperated and desperately fed-up. What you’re really needing right now is reassurance, resolution, cooperation, harmony and connection. Is that right?

I’m here to reassure you it’s OK. You’re a damn good mum, you’re safe in your big emotions. They will pass, as every emotion does, and you will find inner calm to face another day.

I’m here to tell you, you’re enough, you don’t need to judge yourself. Instead, show yourself that desperately needed TLC and self-empathy.

Remind yourself what is true of you – you’re strong, brave and massively loving. No, really, tell yourself that right now. Pause, and say it to yourself as many times as you need to, to find your inner calm. You need to hear it and you need to believe it.

Now think of a time you’ve felt safe, calm, confident. Imagine that time and feel where that safety was in your body and just be there in that safe space in your mind.

Feel better? I hope so. How about we find a way of finding some inner peace for dealing with that strong will in your child when you get up and face tomorrow?

How about we start here, try this thought out for size: “your child is not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time”. Those melt downs, big emotions and outbursts, they’re just your child’s way of communicating that they’re struggling, and they don’t yet have the skills to deal with it or calm themselves. It puts a different slant on it doesn’t it.

Beneath the stubbornness, strong-will, meltdowns, when your child is being their true self and they’re at their best – what would you say was true of them instead? That they’re loving, kind, determined, funny, curious, adventurous, brave?

It’d be nice to be in that place of positivity with your child more often, wouldn’t it? I’d love to help you find that. Give this a try when you experience any kind of challenging behaviour from your child:

1. Tell yourself what is true of you i.e., you’re safe, brave, strong and loving.

2. Remind yourself your child is not giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time.

3. Remind yourself what is true of your child instead, i.e. that great stuff beneath the meltdowns.

4. Take yourself to that place of safety, calm, confidence you thought of earlier. Imagine it in your head, feel it in your body and sit patiently in that place whilst you calm.

“Why do this?”, I hear you say. Your child needs your help to co-regulate. If you’re not regulated yourself, you can’t co-regulate your child. You need to anchor your nervous system to safety first. Once you’re truly calm (not just acting calm but thinking calm too), try this:

5. Don’t try to fix the issue or control/ stop your child’s emotion. If you’re doing, or feel the urge to do, either of these things you’re not fully anchored and regulated yourself. So go back to the earlier steps to try to find the calm in yourself.

6. Show you child empathy, let them know you see how upset, angry, frustrated they are. That their emotion is safe, you’ll help them with it, and it will pass like all other emotions.

7. Then hold space as they let all the anger out of their nervous system. You can offer to help them calm with a hug, massage, a bath, eating ice, a dark quiet space or reading a book – find their sensory calming tool and use it to help them calm.

Be patient – their emotion will pass as long as you stay in that place of safety, patiently holding space – regulation will return to their body. Be patient - emotional regulation and self-regulation takes up to 25 years to fully learn.

Up to age 7, children are 100% reliant on us to calm them down, whilst up to age 12 they’re still mostly reliant on us to calm them. This is because the part of the brain responsible for self-regulation is only just beginning to develop and will keep doing so up to age 25.

Does this help to explain their outbursts and lack of ability to control it? So, you see it’s not you, it’s just age-appropriate development. Keep modelling how to find calm in yourself and supporting them to find calm in themselves and they’ll learn in time, I promise!

As for that strong will of theirs, that high spirited energy – it will take them far and serve them well. You just gotta hold on their mama; it’s a bumpy ride, but you got this – you truly do!

And how do I know this? Because I too am a mum of a strong willed, spirited child. I’ve been where you are. I’ve also learnt these tools that have been life-changing for us – they can be life changing for you too. Give it a go, what have you got to lose?

Sending solidarity and massive hugs because I know you need it. Tomorrow is a new day, and you get to try again with a new box of tricks up your sleeves.

With love

Mum of a super strong willed little human!